blind man's bluff
by ghettos
Summary: It seems almost ironic that my favourite game was 'blind man's bluff' when we were young.  Because now, my life is a game of blind man's bluff that will never end. /Winner of Best Oneshot & Best Character Portrayal on TMA, Round 5. /First Runner-up for Best Angst on TMA, Round 6.


_blind man's bluff_

The game 'blind man's bluff' is simple, really. Two or more people are required to play. One person has a blindfold over his or her eyes, and he or she is required to 'tag' the other player. The other player will then be blindfolded, and the process repeats.

When we were children, we played 'blind man's bluff' all the time. I particularly enjoyed the game, liking the fleeting experience of being blind, when the blindfold was over my eyes. It was a new world, beneath that black silk sash, a new, unexplored world of darkness, one that I had never encountered before.

Whenever it was time for bed, Sinead would refuse to sleep without her nightlight. At first, this greatly irked me. I preferred to sleep in complete darkness, to feel the thrill of being plunged once more into that inexplicably fascinating world where there was not a single glimmer of light. Closing your eyes did not bring about that sensation. Once she and Ned were asleep, I would silently switch off the nightlight and sit there, curled in a ball, looking at my completely black surroundings, filled with an unexplainable joy.

The next day, when we would awake, I would be surrounded by light, by jarring, piercing white light that streamed in through every corner of the room. The world itself was too bright for me. I hated the feeling of the light cascading over me. I preferred the dark, the cover of night and darkness that would shroud me, hiding me, as compared to being exposed in this glow.

The game of 'blind man's bluff' seemed to be a solace, in some way. An escape from the brightly-lit world that surrounded me. The moment the blindfold was tied over my eyes, I would stare into the depths of the black that surrounded me. I would just stand there, until Ned and Sinead prodded me and called for me to start chasing them. Even when I did, it was always half-heartedly.

I told no one of my obsession with darkness. No one would ever understand, the sensation of creating my very own world, there in the darkness. When I sat there, I could pretend, that behind all the shadows, there was a castle with soaring battlements, a laboratory filled with cyborgs, a palace made of crystal...I could imagine that I was anywhere on earth, doing anything possible. I could let my imagination wander, and let my own world take shape.

That darkness is now my reality. I will never be able to see light again. Isn't that what I craved? Isn't that what I desired?

Yes, it was. But then why do I hate it now?

It is now my past. My present. My future. I will never glimpse a single ray of light ever again, to see a brilliant, piercing glimmer. All I see now are shadows. Shadows, mingled with darkness, ever-shifting. They used to say I had a bright future ahead of me. Now, I will not see that future again, however bright. The day I was plunged into the world of the night was the day I kissed that future goodbye. Now my life is cloaked in shadows, shrouded by dark. Now, whenever Sinead moves to switch off her nightlight, I jump up and shout for her not to. But it makes no difference. I can't even tell if the light is on or off. I tell them that I can see light and dark, but in truth all I can see is shadows. The world I live in is neither light nor dark. I hover somewhere in between, never settling into any category. I wish I could see a glimmer of light in the darkness, but I never will.

It's like playing a game of 'blind man's bluff'. Back then, I dreaded the moment the black sash was lifted from my eyes, the moment I returned to the world of light. Now I long for the moment that happens, the moment the shroud is raised from my eyes, the moment when I am able to see again, but I will never happen. It will never happen for as long as I live.

I will never see the light again. It seems almost ironic that my favourite game was 'blind man's bluff' when we were young.

Because now, my life is a game of blind man's bluff that will never end.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Special thanks to Joyce for beta-ing this :) {Note: It was really awful before she went through it.}_


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